Scalpels are my best friend
by Nobalee
Summary: After the disappointment of 4.11, Meredith can’t take the heartache so she finds comfort from a scalpel. BAD SUMMARY. 2ND fanfic.Mer/Alex& Cristina&Alex FRIENDSHIP.MerDer Ending
1. Chapter 1

Title: Scalpels are my best friend.

Summary: After the disappointment of 4.11, Meredith can't take the heartache so she finds something else to do to feel relief.

Note: I know I have another fanfic that I barely update but this idea has been bothering me. So enjoy my 2ND fanfic. O gasp

Oh, & I don't own Grey's Anatomy but if I did I'd hire all of the fanfiction writers and create episodes from their stories! ;)

After the whole break-up with Derek, Meredith lost herself. She was numb and empty. She walked through the hospital like a zombie not even stopping to talk to any of her friends. Everyone was worried. She felt nothing but sadness and heartache.

So one night after a long day at the hospital, she went straight home and into the bathroom with the scalpel she stole from the hospital in hand. She stood over the sink and looked at herself in the mirror. _I've done this before. With many patients and even on myself. I guess the sayings true "Old habits never die." I can't believe I went so long without cutting myself._ She looked down the scalpel. Pulled her left sleeve up, held the scalpel to her wrist and put pressure onto the scalpel until she saw crimson rolling down her wrist. _1 cut. _Straight and sideways down her wrist. _2 cuts. _Barely two millimeters apart. The blood already staining her white sink. _3 cuts. _She wouldn't stop there.

When she was thirteen with the whole angry pink-hair look, she went from her wrist to near the centre of her arm. _4 cuts. _Not enough. _5 cuts. _ _Okay, getting queasy, I'll stop there. _She got the white long band-age that she also took from the hospital, wrapped it all around her arm and went to sleep.

**Next Day at the hospital in the locker-room.**

Everyone was changing into their scrubs. Meredith still not speaking to anyone changed silently. All her friends simply watched her. As Meredith changed her left sleeve rise only slightly but enough to see the white wrapping around her wrist, her friends noticed immediately.

Cristina was the first to speak.

"What the hell is that?" pointing to Meredith's left arm.

Meredith looked at what Cristina was pointing at and immediately fixed her sleeve and shrugged.

"Nothing"

Izzie spoke next.

"Seriously Mer, what is up with you? You ignore us all day and even when we're at your house you isolate yourself in your bedroom. What the hell is going on? "

Before Meredith can respond Bailey and Callie arrive and assign assignments.

"Stevens, you're with me, Karev, Sloan, Yang, Hahn and Grey, you're with Sheperd."

Everyone hurried to find their attending except Meredith. She was walking in slow-motion. _Of course I'd be with Derek. Whatever, just remember when you get home, you'll have the comfort of the scalpel._

She found Derek at the nurses' station _ironically; he had just kissed a nurse so he must be where all the nurses are. _He was talking to a nurse. She was pretty. Brown hair, brown eyes and looked bright and shiny, must be Rose. When Meredith approached the now laughing couple, Derek didn't even bother to turn around, he knew she was there, almost as if he can feel her eyes burning the back of his neck. He was still angry with her after their fight so he decided he's avoid her but now that he knew she was assigned to him, it would be a lot harder.

"Dr. Sheperd, I'm your resident today." Her tone was professional and cold.

He turned around for a second, looked at her then turned back to the conversation with Rose.

_Ouch, okay, I guess he's still mad. Just remember scalpel. Scalpel. Okay, I'm fine._

After what seemed like an eternity, Derek said goodbye to Rose and walked right past Meredith, who was waiting for him to turn around but instead felt the coldness and bitterness as he walked passed her. Meredith stood there in the same spot, feeling angry and embarrassed.

_Fine, if he doesn't want me than I'll go find Bailey. He can't even look at me. I'm invisible to him now. Oh god. I want to die. No, I want to cut. My shift just began; it'll be hours till I can go home._

Since Derek left she walked around the hospital to find Bailey for a new assignment.

Now, Meredith sat on a gurney in the basement of the hospital doing Bailey's post-op notes. She paused for a second and looked at her wrist. It was starting to feel sore and itchy so she unwrapped the band-age thinking no one would walk by since everyone's in the OR but little did she know, Alex had just finished his surgery and was walking toward Meredith. He watched her from afar unwrapping the band-age off her wrist. He saw the blood staining the wrapping and ran towards her. Meredith, lost in her own world didn't even hear the loud pounding footsteps coming towards her.

"What the hell did you do to your wrist?!" Alex exclaimed grabbing hold of her left arm so he can get a clear view.

Meredith surprised by Alex tried to grab her arm back but he was way too strong and had a hard grip. So Meredith just stared away and trying to not to cry.

"Meredith…" He was lost at words. He can see her trying not to cry. So, he just pulled her into a hug whispering comforting words in her ear while she finally cried.

After a couple of minutes, Alex pulled away far enough so he can look at her.

"Mer, you have to stop. I don't know if this is your first time or whatever this is going to be the last time you do this, you hear?" Meredith looked him straight in the eye, thinking about this kind side she's never seen before.

"Don't tell anyone" was all she can say, with that she got out of the hug, collected the post-op notes and walked out of the basement to the elevator.


	2. Chapter 2

Title: Scalpels are my best friend.

Summary: After the disappointment of 4.11, Meredith can't take the heartache so she finds something else to do to feel relief. Meredith centered. MerDer Ending. Mer/Alex FRIENDSHIP

Note: So 2ND Chapter… yes my other fanfic is being abandoned for now but I'll update when I have an idea.

"_Don't tell anyone" was all she can say, with that she got out of the hug, collected the post-op notes and walked out of the basement to the elevator._

Chapter 2

The next day was rare, she had a day off. The plan was to stay in bed all day but instead

she had another nightmare. Flashes of Derek then Alex. _Pick me, choose me, love me. She's my wife. I'm in love with you, I've been in love with you forever. I don't know if I can keep trying to breathe for you. You don't trust anybody. You have to stop. I don't know if this is your first time or whatever this is going to be the last time you do this._ She woke up, sweating like crazy. She rolled to her side to see her clock. _4:30am. Damn it! Stupid nightmares. What'll he do? Damn, Alex just had to walk through the basement. What if he tells? He wouldn't. but how will I stop? I don't have that kind of will power anymore…_ She gets up and goes to the washroom. She goes up to the sink and opens the cabinet. Takes out the scalpel and lifts up her already bandaged arm. Cuts the bandage off and starts a new trail, criss-cross on her mid-arm. _I need more long sleeves,_ she thought, barely registering what she was doing to her arm. Blood runs down her arm. _It's so beautiful. The red is just so… relaxing._ She watched a little while longer, but then starts feeling a little queasy so she wraps her arm up and gets back in bed, completely forgetting the blood and bloody scalpel in the sink. _That's all I needed to fall asleep. I'll be fine. I'm fine but I'm not okay._ She drifts off to sleep.

She wakes up the next morning. _Oh my god, I slept the whole day?! Wow._

**At Seattle Grace**

She walks into the hospital like a zombie, not knowing her surrounding s and not caring. She walked into the resident change room and saw Alex there.

"Hey" Alex says

She smiles weakly at him.

They change in silence. Not knowing what say after what happened in the basement. Finally, Meredith speaks up.

"Please, don't tell anyone"

"Don't worry Mer, your secrets safe with me"

"Thanks"

"…but on one condition."

_Crap._

"You have to stop"

"I know"

"I know you know, but are you going too?"

"I…I don't know"

"Figure it out or else I will tell someone"

"Alex-" she was cut off

"No, Meredith, I'm not going to cover for you if you're going to continue. So decide are you done or do I have to tell someone. Promise me"

She hesitated. _Damn._

"I…I promise" she still unsure. Alex can hear the uncertainty in her voice but he was going to take it.

"Good" he pulls her into a hug.

They both walked out of the change room in different directions. Meredith was still thinking when she came into a head on collision with someone. The person's papers flying everywhere.

"Oh my God! I'm so sorry" says the brunette woman

Meredith stands up and helps the other woman

"No, don't worry about it… it was my fault, I wasn't looking at where I was going" her bandage was sticking out a little but enough for the other woman to notice.

"Thanks" They both pick up all the papers off the floor. When they stand up Meredith sees her name tag. _Rose._

"No problem" Meredith says then runs off in the other direction.

_So, that was Meredith. The Meredith, the Meredith that Derek Sheperd was madly in love with. She's beautiful. Derek is stupid for letting her get away. I wonder what happened to her arm. I'll ask Derek. Our date last night was fun but I can tell he was distracted. He's not really my type. We decided at the end of our date that we're better off as friends. _

Rose was walking through and working one some paper work when she thought of an idea. _Of course, Derek still loves Meredith, Meredith still loves Derek. There is nothing that can push them together. I know all of Meredith's friends hate him, so they would not like my plan. But as a friend of Derek, I want him to be happy._

As Meredith walked around the hospital, already done telling her interns what to do, she had nothing to do. No surgeries. She found, what she thought was an empty on call room so when she went in the person inside was annoyed by the bright light.

"Can you shut the damn door!" the man shouted from the bed.

Meredith recognized that voice immediately.

"Oh…sorry…I was just… sorry" Derek heard that voice and was suddenly angrier.

"Yeah, so am I" he said coldly.

She was about to turn and leave but then anger hit her as well.

"What the hell is that suppose to mean?"

"Nothing Meredith just leave me alone"

"You know what!? No! I'm not going to leave you alone" she closes the door

"What" he looks up at her and sees the anger in her eyes burning through his.

"We are going to have to work together and be civilized, I'm willing to be the bigger person and be professional"

"Well, that's the first" he mutters but she heard him

She walks right up to his face, lifts her hand, slaps him hard and turns around out of the room.


	3. Chapter 3

Title: Scalpels are my best friend.

Summary: After the disappointment of 4.11, Meredith can't take the heartache so she finds something else to do to feel relief. Meredith centered. MerDer Ending. Mer/Alex FRIENDSHIP

Note from the author: Yes I know, I'm barely updating but I have reason why; school. So don't give up on me.

_She walks right up to his face, lifts her hand, slaps him hard and turns around out of the room._

Wow. I mean, I can't believe I just slapped my boss. Well, my boss' boss. Well, my ex-boyfriend. He goes under a lot of categories. Stop rambling! Okay, so what just happened? Right, angry me, Derek insult, then me slapping him. Yeah, that's pretty much it.

Meredith was so lost in thought, walking away from the on-call room that she didn't hear the footsteps that were following her. The footsteps were going faster behind Meredith, trying to catch up with her. Then the person finally caught her by the arm and lead her to another on-call room.

Meredith stunned tried seeing whoever grabbed her but the lights were shut off.

"What the hell? Who are you?"

"Enough crap, what the hell happened in there?"

As soon as Meredith heard her person's voice she felt comfort.

"Jeez Cristina I thought you were Derek"

"Whatever you're talking now? Something must of happened to take you out of you're Mcdreamy-broke-me-again phase"

"Shut up" then she giggled.

"So, tell me what happened in there? All I heard were a bunch of screams but I couldn't hear any words"

Meredith smiled to herself knowing Cristina couldn't see her, she felt comfort that she can talk to her best-friend.

Meredith explained and Cristina listened. When Meredith was done explaining not telling her the parts of her cutting and then Alex finding out, there was a silence.

Finally, Cristina spoke up first.

"Do you need me to drag a body?"

She giggled. "Not anytime soon. I just… miss him so much. But I don't want to be missing him. I want him to be the one hurting this time. I'm always the one suffering while he's with an Addison or a Rose."

"You mean McHorseTeeth"

"Is that what you're calling her because you know she's not that bad. I can actually say she's nice. She's bright and shiny me."

"Why are you defending your ex-boyfriend's girlfriend?"

"Because she's not the one who hurt me."

Cristina stayed silent thinking of how to comfort her person.

"I got it!"

"What do you have?!"

"Date Sloan"

Meredith and Cristina stayed silent for three second before bursting out laughing. Cristina knew that idea would cheer her up. After what seemed like forever of laughing, Meredith spoke up.

"Thanks for you know… cheering me up and…stuff."

"I'm your person, that's what I'm here for."

A silence passed.

"We're not going to do the thing… when there's a moment…and then hugging. I may be you're person but that's just-"

"Ew."

"Yeah, so I have to go surgery with Hahn finally."

"Congrats, bye"

Meredith was still in the on-call room when her pager started beeping. It was Derek.

_Oh crap, I'm screwed. Okay, maybe it's just a case. Maybe he wants to apologize. Oh, who am I kidding, we're talking about Derek. Mcdreamy, McAsshole._

Meredith made her way down to the nurses' station. He was already waiting there and he did not look happy.

"Dr. Sheperd, you paged."

_I hate when she calls me that._

_I hate when I call him that._

They both thought when she said it.

"Yes Dr. Grey, we need to talk." He said sounding cold.

"Unless it's about a case then fine but if it's on a personal matter than I'm busy."

"Actually, I just wanted to warn you about your suspension."

"Excuse me?"

"Well, you hit a resident and that resident told the Chief. He says you're suspended for a week."

Meredith was pissed off. She looked Derek in the eyes. If looks can kill, Derek would be getting tortured by now.

"I apologize Dr. Sheperd."

"That doesn't matter anymore. You don't matter to me anymore."

Meredith looked around noticing all the nurses watching there little discussion. Meredith was bright red from anger and embarrassment again!

Rose was there watching the scene. She has to help Meredith out of this.

"Dr. Grey, can I need your assistance please"

Meredith turned around and saw Rose. _What does she want? _Before Meredith can respond Rose was grabbing her by the arm. Meredith winced. She noticed immediately and let go. She wasn't the only one who noticed.

"I'm sorry" she went around to her right side and led her to an exam room.

Meredith looked at her, not knowing what to say.

Rose was the first to speak.

"Look, I know you probably hate me for kissing Derek but I swear, I didn't know you guys were together and-"

"It's okay, we weren't together."

"Oh I just assumed since you looked so-"

"No, we were just friends"

"Now you're not?"

Meredith was uncomfortable at where this conversation was leading.

"Listen, thank you for saving in there but I don't know you. We're not friends. I don't even trust my friends with most of my problems."

"Oh yeah, I'm sorry. I just… he really loves you."

Meredith scoffs.

"And how would you know that? Wait… you're dating him. I forgot. Sorry, if I'm sounding… well like a bitch. "

"No problem and I don't think Derek and I are going to work."

"Why not? He really likes you" _likes you enough to kiss you while he was waiting for me._

"He doesn't like me. I'm just a replacement but he can't replace the love of his life."

Meredith was silent.

"Listen, the reason why I saved you is because you and Derek… you guys are meant to be and that guy out there… that wasn't Derek. Actually I don't even know who that was."

"He was mad. We had a thing in the the on-call room…and he screamed then I screamed…then he insulted me which ended up with me slapping him."

_Oh my god, did I just tell her that? HER?! Of all people I can tell I told my ex-boyfriends girlfriend. Damn me and my rambling._

"Well, even if he still loves you. Also, I saw your wrist."

_Double crap._

"What are you talking about?" Meredith said trying to act stupid.

"Come Dr. Grey, I am a nurse and I see teenagers in and out of the hospital with bandages on their wrist."

"It was an accident plus who are you to care what I do?" Meredith started becoming defensive.

"Okay, I'm sorry if I've offended you but Derek loves you and he wouldn't want you doing that" she pointed to her wrist.

Meredith knew she was right. _Damn her, she's bright and shiny AND smart._

'Well, that's the thing with us being broken up, I don't have to care what he'd want me to do."

"Yeah but now that I'm involved I have to be sure you stop."

"Involved? You're not involved in anything and I don't need your pity"

"I am involved once I saw your wrist, I got involved and I do not pity you."

"Fine, and I already told someone else I'd stop so you have nothing to worry about."

"Okay good. Do you want me to change your bandage or something?"

"Actually that would be great."

Rose was un-bandaging her arm and when she was done, her wrists started to bleed.

"Wow you did a bang up job… you'll need a couple stitches on that cut."

"Thank you… you know for not… saying anything to Derek."

"No problem."

Just as Rose was standing up to get her suture kit, Derek came through the door.

He immediately saw Meredith's bleeding wrists.

"What the hell is going on in here?!"


	4. Chapter 4

Title: Scalpels are my best friend.

Summary: After the disappointment of 4.11, Meredith can't take the heartache so she finds something else to do to feel relief. Meredith centered. MerDer Ending. Mer/Alex FRIENDSHIP

_Just as Rose was standing up to get her suture kit, Derek came through the door._

_He immediately saw Meredith's bleeding wrists._

"_What the hell is going on in here?!"_

Meredith sat there dumbfounded and alarmed. _Shit! What do I say? Shit!_

"She fell when I bumped into her earlier this week in the hall and I was just going to change her stitches." Rose said.

Meredith's eyes shifted over to Rose.

"How the hell does that happen when she gets bumped into by another person?!"

Derek was mad!

"I bumped into her and she fell on one of those trolleys with those… sharp instruments."

_He is so not going to believe that. He's a neurosurgeon for god sake's!_

"Okay, well I believe Dr. Grey should watch where she's going next time and be more careful"

_Seriously?! What an idiot! Neurosurgeon my ass…_

"If you don't mind Dr. Sheperd, this is my patient and I need you to leave the room" Rose said her eyes burning into his.

Derek was surprised. He'd never seen Rose act like that before.

"Excuse me?"

"Derek, she's hurt and you being a jackass isn't going to help so please leave. I'll talk to you later."

Meredith was just sitting there witnessing their fight. Not even sure they acknowledged her existence.

"I apologize." With that said he left the room.

"Thank you… again."

"It's no problem."

"No really, you're… really nice. I just can't believe he believed that lame lie, I mean he's a neurosurgeon" she giggled.

"Well, he's not the smartest ironically." She laughed.

Rose finished stitching and band-aging up her wrist.

"Okay, you're all set."

"Thank you… and I'm sorry I ruined Derek for you."

"He's not ruined. He's just taken. There's a difference."

"He's not mine to take, he hates me."

"He doesn't hate you. He's just… a jackass" Rose said trying to lighten up the mood.

Meredith laughed.

"Okay, well I have to go get my stuff since I'm suspended and all."

"I'm sorry… that you're suspended."

"Yeah, well… thank you… bye."

Meredith left the examining room and went straight to the locker room where she saw Alex and Cristina waiting for her.

"Hey guys what are you doing in here? Don't you guys have any surgeries?"

Cristina was the first to speak up.

"I heard about your suspension."

"Yeah, I was just getting my stuff and head home."

Alex spoke next

"I thought you'd need us… to help or something."

"No, I'm fine really. I'm just going to head home and sleep."

"Why were you suspended in the first place?" Cristina asked.

"I slapped a resident…" her eyes shifting to the floor.

"You what?!" Alex and Cristina shouted in union.

"It was Derek."

"Oh, okay. That, McBastard got you suspended?!"

"Yeah, for a week."

"Oh he is … Meredith, I'm going to kill him" Alex said.

"No, Alex, he's your boss."

"Yeah but he's the reason you-" Alex stopped realizing what he was saying in front of Cristina.

Meredith's eyes grew wide looking at Alex.

"Hey! What's going on between you two?"

"Nothing."

"Mer, I think you should tell her."

"Alex shut up!"

"Alex knows something that's happening with you that I don't? I thought I was your person!"

"Cristina it's not like that-"

Alex was fed up.

"She slashed up her wrists."

There was a silence. Cristina looked at Meredith. Meredith looked at the ground. Alex left as soon as he said it knowing they'd need time alone.

"Mer, are you-"

"Not anymore."

"Why?"

"I was… I am… sad. I'm lonely and angry all in one."

"You're going to stop you hear me!"

"I know."

"Let me see."

"Rose just band-aged it for me."

"Rose? As in McBastard's scrub nurse Rose?"

"I know… but she helped me when Derek was being… McBastard."

"Weird."

"Story of my life."

They both laughed. Then Cristina hugged her person.

"You know you're hugging me right?"

"Shut up, I'm your person."


	5. Chapter 5

Title: Scalpels are my best friend.

Summary: After the disappointment of 4.11, Meredith can't take the heartache so she finds something else to do to feel relief. Meredith centered. MerDer Ending. Mer/Alex FRIENDSHIP

_They both laughed. Then Cristina hugged her person._

"_You know you're hugging me right?"_

"_Shut up, I'm your person."_

After what seemed like forever, they pulled apart when Cristina's beeper went off.

"Are you going to be okay?" Cristina asked.

"Yeah, I'm going to be fine"

"Are you "fine fine" or "Meredith fine"?"

"Fine fine."

"Okay, I'll come by later when my shifts done."

"Okay, bye"

With that Cristina left and Meredith gathered up her stuff to leave as well.

Meanwhile, Rose was looking for Derek. As soon as Rose caught up with him, she dragged him in an empty conference room then slapped him in the back of the head.

"Ouch! Is that how people greet these days?"

Rose didn't respond she just hit him again.

"Seriously! I didn't get the memo saying it was "hit Derek day"!"

"You are so stupid!" she continued hitting him.

"Okay! Oww! Can you stop hitting me and tell me why I'm so stupid?"

"Meredith Grey"

As soon as that name came out of her mouth Derek tensed up. His jaw clenched with his fists.

"What about Dr. Grey?"

"Oh come on Derek! Don't "Dr.Grey" her! Meredith that's her name! Meredith!" she said emphasizing on her name.

"Fine, what about Meredith?"

"I know you still love her"

"Rose I-"

"Derek, it's okay. I know but you're just too afraid to admit it."

"But what about us?"

"Derek, can you honestly call you and I "us"?"

Derek knew she was right so he stayed silent and waited for her to continue.

"We can still be friends but if you're going to be a jackass to Meredith then what I was doing before is going to get twice as worse!"

"What? She slapped me!"

"From what I've heard with good reason!"

"But-" Derek didn't know how to respond so he just closed his mouth.

"Yeah, I thought so"

"Damn it. I really screwed things up with Meredith didn't I?"

"No but it's going to take you a hell of a lot to regain her trust"

"I got her suspended. I yelled at her and called her unprofessional. I wouldn't be surprised if she had Cristina kill me."

"If she did then she can easily make it look like an accident"

They both laughed.

"What do I do?"

"You apologize"

"We're talking about Meredith Grey. She's the most stubborn person ever and she's already forgiven me for… everything I've don't. I don't deserve a third chance."

"Derek, don't give up. She's having such a hard time trust me."

Derek thought more on that comment. _Why would Rose know about Meredith? Why would my ex be talking to my present girlfriend? Wait. _Derek flashed back to when he saw Rose and a bleeding Meredith.

"What happened to Meredith?"

Uh-oh.

"What are you talking about? She got suspended."

"No, in the exam room. What really happened to Meredith? I knew you were lying I was just in denial and thinking I'm not suppose to care about my ex-girlfriend because we are broken up meaning I don't have to care what happens to Meredith-"

"Derek you're rambling."

"Sorry. That's what happens when you spend so much time with Meredith."

"Listen Derek, Meredith… she… Whatever's going on with her, she needs to tell you. It's not my place to tell you."

"She told you?"

"Not exactly."

"Rose? Her wrist was pretty… cut up, I doubt that she "fell" on sharp objects to get those straight slits."

"Derek, talk to Meredith, before it's too late"

"Before it's too late? What's that suppose to mean?"

"Just go! Now! Before she leaves!"

With that Derek was out the door looking for Meredith but instead ran into Alex.

"Dr. Karev"

"Dr. Sheperd" he spat.

Derek heard the harsh tone and just nodded his head to find someone else to help him find Meredith.

Taking the elevator to the resident's locker room, he found himself sharing an elevator with none other than Cristina Yang.

"Dr. Yang, do you-"

Cristina cut him off and pushed the emergency button.

"We're in an elevator remember? Meaning I'm not Dr.Yang and you're not Dr. Sheperd, you're the guy who once again screwed up my best friend."

Derek knew that Meredith had told her about what he had done.

"Cristina, I know I'm "the guy who screwed up your best friend" but I need you're help."

"Why the hell would I help you? You're the reason she's c- so messed up!" Cristina almost let Meredith's dirty little secret slip. Derek noticed.

"That's not what you were going to say… Is there something wrong with Meredith that I don't know about but yet everyone else does?"

"Why would I tell you? Why would you even care?"

"I love her-"

"You had a wife, she forgave you. You hit on her sister, she still forgave you. You kiss a nurse, that's that last straw. You don't deserve Meredith's forgiveness anymore. You lost every right to care about her once you broke up with her! Even when she was trying, having me diagnose her and read psyche books FOR YOU! TO SEE WHATS WRONG WITH HER! YOU STILL AND ALWAYS WILL END UP BREAKING HER AND HAVE ME. GEORGE, IZZIE HELL EVEN ALEX PUT THE PIECES BACK TOGETHER! SO, STOP PRETENDING LIKE YOU CARE AND LEAVE MEREDITH ALONE!"

Cristina pushed the emergency button again and they started moving. Derek just stood there. She was right. Everything she said. Cristina exited the elevator and Derek went to find the chief.

"Chief, I need to speak with you."

"Hello Derek what seems to be the problem?"

"I need a week off."

"Okay, but I'll need a reason why"

"You said you'd protect her and I said you had nothing to worry about but then I messed up and I really need to fix things once and for all."

"What are you talking about?"

"Meredith"

"Yes, I've heard. Gossip. The only thing that spreads faster than disease around here."

"So, do I get the time off?"

"I'll allow it but Derek… You mess up this time and I will personally have Dr. Yang and the rest her family kill you and make it look like an accident"

"Don't worry Chief, if I mess this up, I will gladly give myself up to them"

"Okay, Go!"

Derek thanked the Chief and ran out to talk to Meredith.

Okay, I hope that keeps so satisfied for now! I will update when I have time. Review plz!

Next chapter, MerDer confrontation.


	6. Chapter 6

Title: Scalpels are my best friend.

Summary: After the disappointment of 4.11, Meredith can't take the heartache so she finds something else to do to feel relief.

Note: Sorry I barely update. Its school's fault. Enjoy.

I still don't own Grey's Anatomy but if I did I'd hire all of the fanfiction writers and create episodes from their stories! )

Derek made it out of the hospital just in time to find Meredith leaving so he quickly got into his car and followed her.

In the other car where Meredith was supposed to be driving straight home, she made a little detour to the liquor store.

Derek was confused; Meredith has missed her turn to her house. Half-way there he knew where her destination was.

Meredith made it out of the car and into the store without noticing Derek.

Meredith chose her poison and was on her way walking up to the cash register when she felt a tap on her shoulder. She turned around but no one was there. She turned back to the cash register and was met by two very blue, very familiar eyes.

Shit.

She turned around again and was looking for another cash register.

"Meredith." Derek said. It sounded as if he was pleading.

Meredith found another cash register and waited in line.

_What the hell is he doing here? _

"I followed you here from the hospital." He said as if he were reading her mind.

"I didn't say anything."

"Yeah well, I know you enough to know what you're thinking."

"You don't know me."

"Meredith, turn around and talk to me."

"Why should I? You got me suspended from the hospital! I have to stay home and try not to-" she stopped mid-sentence at what she was about to say and closed her mouth.

"Try not to what? Kill yourself drinking?"

_Kill myself? Maybe I should try that. He doesn't even realize what he's saying._

She stayed silent. Trying to figure out if she were going to leave or buy her tequila and then leave.

"Meredith, is that the reason why? Please tell me you're not going to drink yourself dead because if you ever die I wouldn't know what I would do without you-"

"I'm not planning not drinking myself dead."

"Then what? What is happening with you that everyone knows about? Even Rose-" he shut his mouth realizing he just brought up Rose. His recently ex-girlfriend.

"Rose, she's nice. I approve of her." Meredith said trying to change the subject.

"Meredith, don't do that."

Meredith was next in line.

"Do what?" she said innocently.

"Act like you're okay when you're not!" he screamed.

By now everyone in the store was watching the unhappy couple fight.

"Derek can lower your voice, you're making a scene."

"I don't care about the other people. I only care about you and only you."

Now Meredith turned around.

"Care about me?! You're so full of it!"

"What do you mean!? I love you! You're not ready! You don't trust me! You think the worse of me! All the time!"

"Then why do you bother with me? If I don't trust you? If I'm never ready? Why would you even bother?!"

"Because I love you!! Are you not listening to anything that I've been saying?!"

_Okay, maybe this isn't how I wanted things to be but she just gets me so angry sometimes!_

Derek calmed down. Remembering that he's the reason she's like this.

"Meredith,-"

Meredith was paying for her tequila and walked away.

Right outside that door, Derek grabbed Meredith by the arm and made Meredith drop all the bottles onto her feet, some of the glass bouncing off the floor onto her chest and arms.

"Oh my god Meredith I'm so sorry."

"I' ve heard." She said coldly.

"Here let me help you." He used his coat to wipe her arms, lifting up her sleeves a little to see her bandages.

Then he remembered. _Her wrists. Those cuts. What happened? _

Meredith saw him looking at her wrists and remembered. _Crap, the bandages._

"No, don't touch me." She ran to her car and was looking for her keys in her purse.

"Meredith, what happened to your wrists?"

_Is he really that stupid? I mean come on he's a neurosurgeon!_

Meredith found her keys and got inside her car.

Derek stood in front of the car.

"Derek is such a jackass." She said to herself.

Meredith outsmarted him. She put the car in reverse and backed off and drove.

Derek wasn't far behind her but he didn't expect what was about to happen.

Meredith was about to make her turn to her house but then all of a sudden a truck came and smashed right in the side of the car where Meredith sat.

"MEREDITH!" he screamed as he watched the truck collide into Meredith.

Uh-oh. Meredith was in a collision. What will happen next? I'll update as soon as I can.


	7. Chapter 7

Title: Scalpels are my best friend.

Summary: After the disappointment of 4.11, Meredith can't take the heartache so she finds something else to do to feel relief.

Note: Thanks for the reviews! I had time so here's a new chapter.

I still don't own Grey's Anatomy but if I did I'd hire all of the fanfiction writers and create episodes from their stories!

* * *

"_MEREDITH!" he screamed as he watched the truck collide into Meredith._

Derek ran over to Meredith's side.

She looked terrible. There was blood everywhere.

Derek tried to find pulse and immediately worried but then found one but it was very faint.

Derek tried to wake her up.

"Meredith, wake up! Please!" he said while shaking her awake.

Meredith moaned. "Oww."

"Oh thank God! Meredith, how are you? How do you feel?"

"I feel like I've just been hit by a truck."

Derek chuckled, amazed that she manages to keep the mood light in the most tragic situations.

"Okay, Mer I'm going to try anf get you out of the car okay?"

"Yeah okay."

Derek reached over and took off her seatbelt.

"Okay in the count of three I'm going to carry you out of the car. Okay?"

"yeah."

"Okay, 1…2…3" with all of his might, he pulled Meredith out of the car.

"Oww!" Meredith screamed in agony.

"Sorry, okay, you're okay now." He held her close for a little while.

"I'm going to call for some help." He took out his phone and dialed 911.

"I need an ambulance from Seattle Grace."

"Derek, I…" Meredith went unconscious.

"No, Meredith, you have to wake up! Mer, come on, stay with me! Meredith!" He began to shake her.

Then she started seizing.

"Oh my God, Mer! "

The ambulance finally arrived.

"She was seizing a minute ago but now she stopped."

"Okay, who are you? Are you her husband? A family member?"

"Yes, I'm her boyfriend and also a neurosurgeon at Seattle Grace."

"Okay, come on."

The ambulance sped as fast as they could to Seattle Grace.

When they arrived they were met by Dr.Bailey and Dr. Stevens.

"What do we got?"

"Meredith Grey, hit and run collision, started seizing but stopped."

"Miranda,…"

"Derek, what happened?"

"Oh my God, Meredith?" Izzie couldn't move.

"Izzie, are you capable of working on this case?"

"I… yeah."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, of course." She said trying to fight back tears.

They moved her into her own room and closed all the curtains.

"Derek you need to leave. You are not in any shape to be on this case."

"Miranda, you know she's neuro, I can do it."

Derek looked at Dr. Bailey straight in the eyes. She was convinced.

"Fine, but you are her doctor. That's it."

"Yes of course."

They started changing her clothes into a hospital gown. Dr.Bailey, Izzie and Derek all noticed her bandaged wrist.

"Derek or Stevens, can you tell me why there are bandages around her wrist?"

"No, she hasn't been speaking to anyone, all she does is lock herself up in her bedroom."

Bailey looked at Derek.

"No, she hasn't spoken to me since today, but I know who would know." He left the room and paged 3 people. Cristina Yang, Alex Karev and Rose.

All three met up in Meredith's room.

Cristina saw Meredith on the bed and ran to her.

"What the hell happened?"

"Truck hit her left side but that's not why you were paged here."

"Uhm, why was I paged?" Rose questioned.

"Because you were the one who was bandaging her wrist." Derek said.

Alex and Cristina both looked at Rose. The words not spoken were easily heard by there looks.

"It's not my place to say." With that Rose left the room.

Next for interrogation was Alex and Cristina.

"You two better speak up."

Alex looked at Cristina. Cristina looked at Alex.

Cristina spoke up.

"She…fell."

"Yang, come up with a better lie because I'm not buying it."

Cristina looked at Alex wanting him to speak up.

"Cristina why don't you just tell them the truth they're going to find out anyway." He whispered.

"I can't she's my person."

"Stop whispering and speak up!"

"Alex what the hell happened?"

Alex looked at Izzie then looked down along with Cristina.

"Fine, you fools don't want to speak up, I'm just going to remove the bandage."

Alex and Cristina's head shot up with there eyes wide.

Meredith started twitching her eyes open and saw Bailey unwrapping her bandage.

She pulled her arm back.

"What the hell happened?!"

"Nice for you to join us Grey, we were wondering what happened to your wrist. Maybe you can tell us."

Meredith looked around the room and saw everyone's face. Cristina and Alex looked at her in panic. Derek, Izzie and Bailey looked at her questioningly.

"I bumped into someone and they pushed me on… a medical table full of sharp instruments."

"Grey, what do I hate more than a liar?"

"A bad liar."

"Exactly."

She looked at Derek and felt guilty. She put her head down in shame.

Derek came beside her and pulled her face to his.

"Mer, I know you probably hate that I'm here right now but if you just tell us what happened…"

Meredith sighed and lay back down.

She closed her eyes and blacked out.

"Okay, if she's not going to tell us." Bailey said grabbing her wrist and unwrapped her bandage.

"Oh my…"

"What the hell happened!?" Izzie was mad.

Derek went to take a look and wished he didn't because what he saw were perfect straight lines up and down her wrist.

"Oh my God."

* * *

There it is. Everyone knows, well not George but he will. I haven't forgotten about sweet old George. Review plz. ) 


	8. Chapter 8

Title: Scalpels are my best friend.

Summary: After the disappointment of 4.11, Meredith can't take the heartache so she finds something else to do to feel relief.

Note: Sorry for the lack of updates but I'm pretty busy. So enjoy what I give P

I still don't own Grey's Anatomy but if I did I'd hire all of the fanfiction writers and create episodes from their stories!

* * *

_Derek went to take a look and wished he didn't because what he saw were perfect straight lines up and down her wrist._

"_Oh my God."_

There was a silence. A long, awkward, painful and maybe the most uncomfortable silence in the history of the world type of silence.

In this silence, they had already cleared Meredith up medically. The seizures were not a concern; the [medical would heal by itself. There main concern was those slits down her wrist.

Bailey was the first to speak up.

"You three better speak up to what we're looking at right now."

"I have no idea. She hasn't spoken to me." Izzie whispered on the verge of tears.

Alex and Cristina stayed quiet.

Derek had already left and went straight into an on-call room to vent.

**In Meredith's room**

"Well, I heard Steven's story, now what about the two of you?" she said sternly looking at both Alex and Cristina.

Just then George and Lexie barge into the room.

"What happened?!" They say in union.

"She was in an accident but that's not what I'm concerned about right at this moment."

"Will she be okay? How did this happen? She's going to live right? Because I really just started to know her and I don't want her to die-" Lexie's ramble was cut off by Bailey.

"Shh! Hush Grey, you sound just like her rambling before you know anything. And to answer what I heard in your ramble of words, she's okay medically but mentally I'm not so sure."

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about those cuts that are up and down her left arm."

"Cuts?" George said confused and hurt at the same time.

"Yes, do you know what they are?"

George came around to Meredith's left side, as did Lexie, and saw bloody stitched up cuts.

Lexie gasped, covered her mouth and leaned into George. George stepped back as soon as he saw it and held Lexie with his eyes shut.

"Yang, Karev, I hope you both found your tongues because you two are the only one's who know what happened."

"Alex I can't she's my person." Cristina whispered, pleading.

Alex had never seen Cristina so reluctant in not doing something so he gave in.

"Okay." He whispered back while he gave her a pat on the back.

She nodded.

"Well, one of you better speak up now or I will have to-" Bailey demanded

"She's been cutting herself"

"Yeah, I think we've accomplished that Dr. Karev but would you have any thought to why?"

"I haven't actually talked to her about why. All I know is that she's really depressed."

"Hell that is the understatement of the year, after all, this girl has gone through so much and this is how she decides to cope. She is a grown woman, she's not a teenager! This is no way, NO way to cope. And it doesn't look like this is her first time."

Cristina was curious by this remark,

"How can you tell?"

"I'm a doctor, I've seen plenty of teenagers, ain't none of them can do it this good."

"None of that matters!" Izzie screamed.

Everyone stared at her in shock.

"Meredith's been hurting herself and all you guys are talking about is that, she may have had experience with this before!? Why aren't you talking about… hmm… I don't know maybe an idea of why! Or how we can stop her?! Save her even! That's our role, we are doctors! We save lives not talk about them! Save them. And right now, Meredith needs someone to save her before it's too late."

With that said, she stormed out of the room.

There was yet another silence.

"Yang, I want you to run a history on Dr. Grey."

"Why would it be relevant?"

"It can help find a reason why now go!"

Cristina almost ran out of the room.

"George and Grey are you two capable of handling this because I can't have any other interns. Lord knows this girl deserves her privacy."

They both nodded.

"Okay, you two will keep an eye on her and make sure no one and I mean no one comes to this room unless I said they could. Understood?"

"Yes Dr. Bailey."

"Karev, I want you to page the Chief and Dr. Sheperd."

"Dr. Bailey, why the hell would we need Sheperd!? She's not in need of a neurosurgeon! He doesn't deserve to see her!"

"Dr. Karev, I know that he hasn't been Meredith's favorite person but she would have wanted him here."

"No, I refuse to."

"Alex" she said in a softer tone.

"…I know he hurt her but he loves her and she loves him. I'm not going to make these fools suffer separately. She needs him as much as she'll deny it. And he needs her too."

"You know she started cutting when he broke her."

"What are you talking about?"

"Yeah, he broke her again because he kissed a nurse while she was trying to get ready for him. So he breaks her heart into a million pieces and gets to watch her suffer? No, she's my friend; I'm not paging that bastard."

"That doesn't change anything now go. And that's an order."

Alex grunted but left the room and paged the Chief and Sheperd.

**In the on-call room**

Derek lay on the bed to what seemed like centuries.

_Why would she do that to herself? _He thought to himself.

His tears ran freely down his cheeks, he didn't even bother to wipe them.

Then the door opened and closed in a fast motion.

Derek couldn't find the words to tell whoever to get out so he stayed silent while the unknown person walked to the bed across from him.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

He heard and recognized it was Rose.

He sniffed and wiped his tears away before replying, trying to compose himself.

"What?"

"About Meredith. I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

Derek stayed quiet but he was angry. His jaw and his fists were clenched. He couldn't see in the dark but he knew his knuckles were turning white.

"How? How could you know what you know and not say anything?"

He had a little flashback, remembering that he had said something similar to Meredith when he found out about Burke's tremors.

_"No, no that is not how this works. How could you know what you know, or suspect it and not even tell me?"_

_"You cleared him for surgery, Derek. How did you not know? You can't be angry with me. She's my best friend, and right or wrong, she..."_

_"What?"_

_"She was there when you weren't."_

_He turned around to face her. Glided her chin with his thumb and kissed her._

Even when they fought they'd find happiness after but not anymore. Now, they're broken up and Meredith is cutting her self. _How did we get here? Why did things have to change for the worst? _ He thought to himself completely forgetting about Rose's presence.

"I promised her, that I wouldn't say anything. Plus you guys were broken up-"

"No, that is not a reason. She was hurting herself! I had every right to know!"

"Derek, you've upset her and got her suspended. Why would I tell you? Do you really think that if I was to tell anyone, that "anyone" would be you? By the way you've been acting; you'd be that last person for me to tell."

Derek stayed quiet knowing she was telling the truth.

"Yeah, that's what I thought."

Rose made her exit and left Derek to think.

Derek was in deep thought and then his pager started to beep.

It was to Meredith's room.

_I… I cant handle this. How can I see her when… she…no I can't._

That's what his head was saying but his heart sang a whole different tune.

_What are you still doing here in your self-pity? Get up and go to Meredith she needs you more than ever. You can save her._

He decided to listen to his heart.

He got up and ran to Meredith's room.

When he got there, he saw everyone who needed to be there, including the Chief.

The Chief was mid-sentence when he had arrived.

"What?"

"As I was saying, Meredith has been down this road before. She was thirteen. There had been an incident where her mother had found her in the bathtub with both were wrists slit multiple times."

Derek winced wanting to leave and believe that it was a made up story. That this was all a nightmare and he'd wake up beside a "bright and shiny" Meredith.

"… She was diagnosed with manic depression."

"Do you think it came back Sir?" Cristina questioned.

"That is the most probable reason Yang, but we'll have to wait 'till she wakes up."

"Why was I paged?" Derek said.

"Why wouldn't you be paged?" Bailey responded as he stared him up and down. He was a mess. His hair was in all directions. His eyes were red and puffy. He looked as bad as Meredith did.

"Why are you going to leave her again?" Cristina said coldly.

"Yang, you're out of line."

"No, I think I'm right on it. Why is he here? He's probably going to break her again."

"I love her." Was all Derek could say.

"Yeah well you have a hell of a way of showing it."

Derek had enough. It was bad enough that the love of his life is suffering but he was not going to take fighting with a resident.

"You know what!? I don't have to prove anything to you! I love her! And I will always be there for here! I may not be perfect but I do the best that I can to show her how much I love her! And if you cant accept that, then that's too bad because you're going to be seeing a lot of me with Meredith for the rest of our lives because we're meant to be together no matter what happens! She is the love of my life!"

Cristina stared at him. Actually speechless, she has never seen Derek this mad.

"Now that we have that settled, what are we going to do?"

"I think we need to find her a therapist. We can call the one she had before but he's all the way in Boston."

While the Chief discussed what they would do about Meredith, none of them had really noticed she was starting to wake up and heard everything from Derek's outburst to the Chief finding a therapist.

When they were done discussing, they all left the room. Izzie forced Cristina into apologizing to Derek.

"Okay, I'm sorry for being such a bitch to you. I know you love her, but if you ever hurt her again, I'm killing you and make it look like an accident."

"Deal."

Cristina nodded her head and walked away.

"Listen, Cristina is hardcore but me, I'm more soft so I won't threaten you."

"Thanks I appreciate that."

"But I am going to make you feel guilty just for now."

"Okay, fine."

"She was trying. Actually trying to get ready to be with you before all this drama and you two breaking up."

Derek was stunned. "Really?"

"Yeah, she was making Cristina read psyche books and started talking to Lexie then you broke her heart. Now, she's broken. We've fixed her before but this… She's fallen way to far for us to reach. She needs you Derek. She'll deny it but she needs you more than anything so please, just save her before…"

"It's too late." He responded sadly.

"Yeah."

Derek left Izzie and went inside Meredith's room.

Meredith heard the door open and pretended to be asleep but she forgot about the tears that streamed down her face.

When Derek walked into the room, he saw Meredith, tears down her cheeks and he felt heart broken. He knew she was awake but he decided to let her pretend and sat down beside her. He took her hand and held it while he talked.

"Meredith, I'm so sorry if I've made you do this. It's like you've slipped right through my fingers. Please Meredith, for my own sanity, don't kill yourself. I know I don't have any right to ask you that but I… can't… I …won't be able to forgive myself if you ever die. I love you with all my heart. Just choose to live with me. I promise to give you happily ever after. "

Meredith had more tears streaming down her face and couldn't stop them.

Derek looked up at her and found grey eyes meet his.

She felt so guilty. _I can't believe how much pain I'm causing. _

"I... can't...I'm sorry." She said between tears.

Derek didn't know how to reply so he just held her but she pushed him away.

"Get out please!" she screamed.

* * *

So Meredith's mad. I wonder why. Review Please and I will try and update again. 


	9. Chapter 9

Title: Scalpels are my best friend.

Summary: After the disappointment of 4.11, Meredith can't take the heartache so she finds something else to do to feel relief.

Note: Thanks for such great reviews! Had some time and I thought u guys deserved an update. I put in a song in italics but thoughts are also in italics so it'll be a little bit confusing but try you're best to understand which is which. The song is "The Hardest Thing" by 98 Degrees. I love that song, very old but I like it.

I still don't own Grey's Anatomy but if I did I'd hire all of the fanfiction writers and create episodes from their stories!

* * *

_Derek didn't know how to reply so he just held her but she pushed him away._

_"Get out please!" she screamed._

"Meredith, why can't you just let me in?" Derek said as she pushed him away.

"I… can't. I'm… sorry… but… I can't…" Meredith said trying to breathe.

"Meredith calm down, just let me take care of you!"

Meredith thought about what she was doing to Derek and thought it was best to just let him go. _I can't make him suffer. We're over. He doesn't get to be worried. I don't want him to go through this. I can't. He deserves so much better. I love him enough to let him go._

Meredith calmed down.

_I've made up my mind _

_There is no turning back _

_He's been good to me _

_And he deserves better than that _

"I'm sorry Derek but you can't be here." she stated.

"Why? Why can't you just let me be there for you?!"

"Because, Derek, I…" _ You'll thank me later Derek. I'm giving you an out. Live you're life without me messing it up._

"…don't love you anymore."

_It's the hardest thing  
I'll ever have to do  
To look you in the eye  
And tell you I don't love you_

Derek was surprised and hurt mixed into one.

"What are you saying Mer? You don't want me here?" he paused

"You don't want me… period?"

"I'm sorry but you have to leave now."

"No, Meredith, don't say that! You know you still love me like I love you!"

"No, Derek, I don't. I can't even trust you, how can I love you?"

Derek couldn't believe what he was hearing. _She doesn't mean that. No, I won't believe it._

"Meredith, you… you know that I'm so sorry for hurting you, you have to know that I'm here for good."

"I'm sorry too. I'm… sorry I ever met you. I'm sorry for walking into Joe's that night and meeting you. I'm sorry for ever… giving you my heart and having you break it into pieces... more than once. I'm… sorry I ever said I love you when I didn't mean it."

Meredith's heart was breaking as she watched Derek cry silently and as she spoke lies through her teeth.

_It's the hardest thing  
I'll ever have to lie  
To show no emotion  
When you start to cry_

_I can't let you see  
What you mean to me_

Derek's heart was breaking as she spoke these words. He couldn't stop crying so he got up and left the room without a word.

_It's the hardest thing  
I'll ever have to do  
To turn around and walk away  
Pretending I don't love you_

Meredith lay back down, her eyes, burning. _I can't believe I just said that. I just let the love of my life walk away from me._ By now tears were falling and her heart was aching.

The Chief was making his way to Meredith's room but he had just saw Derek Sheperd run out of Meredith's room crying and he knew that she had made a mistake.

The Chief stopped Derek and brought him into his office.

* * *

**In the Chief's office **

"Derek what's the matter? What happened?"

Derek was too busy trying to catch his breath.

"She… she… doesn't love me…she…wishes…she…never…met me…I… can't…breathe…I… can't… live…without… her...Why can't she…See that?!"

The Chief made him sit down and calmed him down.

"Derek, you know I've known Meredith all her life. I mean I used to change her diapers. I know for a fact that she loves you more than anything in the world."

"Then… why…why would she say that she wished she'd never met me?"

"She's hurting. When she was thirteen she tried to kill herself and she pushed her mother away saying to just leave her to die and Ellis couldn't handle it so she came to me. She asked me to help her, so I visited her at the hospital. The image of her lifeless emotion still haunts me. She was like a daughter to me even though her mother and I had ended our relationship; I still came to her rescue. So I spoke to her and she said that everyone's going to leave her. Her father left and Ellis neglected Meredith. I told her she had me but she believed that I'd leave her too. I couldn't convince her other wise but she went through therapy and hated it. So she pretended to be okay, told everyone she was "fine". But her monsters came back when you left her. You need to save her Derek. Not me, not her friends but you."

"How can I when she doesn't even want to see me?"

"Push her. That may sound harsh but don't give up on her. That's what everyone has done so show her you're different, that you'll stick by her through the hardest of times."

Derek ran his hands through his hair and over his face. He was exhausted.

"I can't stick by her when she's so willing to give up by herself."

"Don't let her. Make her fight, Derek. She's a fighter but right now, she needs someone to fight with her, and that's you."

Derek nodded and told him he'd stop by later to see Meredith.

* * *

**In the basement**

"What are we going to do?" Alex said.

"What we're suppose to do. We're her doctors, we can't be her friends right now…I can't be her person right now. I'm not strong enough for this." Cristina responded.

"Cristina, you said it yourself, you're her person, we have to stick by her. She needs us more than ever."

"I can't… she's…I can't watch her die. I'm not going through that… again."

Alex was seeing different sides of Cristina, not hardcore surgery-hungry Cristina but a vulnerable and scared Cristina.

"Listen, you can do it. We have to help Meredith but I'm willing to help you too because we have to get through this together. We're a family and we're going to kick ass. Okay?"

Cristina stared at Alex and nodded.

Alex got up and gave Cristina a hug. At first she was stiff then she gave in and hugged him back.

"If you tell anyone that I was hugging you, I'll drive a scalpel through your spleen."

"Well if you tell anyone that I gave you chick advice, I'll let you."

They both let go and both of there pagers were beeping.

"It's the Chief."

"Let's go."

* * *

**In the Chief's office**

The Chief stood at his desk staring at the faces of 4 exhausted residents and 2 worried interns.

"Okay everyone, I know you're all having a hard time with Meredith so I'm making her case you're only case. I don't want you working on any other patients other than Meredith. I know you're all not fit to be in the OR or talking to patients."

They all nodded in union.

"Bailey, you're welcome to go home and spend time with your son."

"Thank you sir but I'll stay a little longer."

Bailey left the Chief's office and went straight to Meredith's room.

"What are we going to do sir?" Cristina questioned.

"You all need some rest so if you like you can rest in Meredith's room. We can move some more gurney's in there since that room was meant for more patients. Someone needs to be with her 24-7 to make sure she doesn't attempt… anything. But first make sure you have other residents and interns covering for you so before you go to Meredith make sure you're covered. Are we clear?"

"Yes sir." They said and cleared the room.

* * *

**In Meredith's room**

Meredith was still crying when Bailey arrived.

"Grey, are you okay? Okay, you have to calm down."

"I… can't…I…can't…breathe."

"Okay hold on."

Bailey went to the supply closet and grabbed a paper bag.

"Okay breathe into this. Slowly." She held her hand.

Meredith had a flashback when this had happened with Derek.

"_I…can't…I…can't…I don't …I don't…I don't want…I don't want my mother to die alone."_

"_Slowly…slow down…. Ssh…"_

_Derek could see she was struggling to breathe so he handed her a paper bag and held her hand. Then she leaned in and he held her._

_After what seemed like eternity, she got up._

"_I'm okay."_

"_You're okay."_

_She got up and left._

"Meredith!"

"What, I'm sorry… I was…"

"Daydreaming. You're lucky you're a patient."

Meredith gave a little giggle.

"Meredith, why would you go and do this to yourself?"

Her tone was serious and Meredith's head went down in shame.

"You have friends who are like family to you. Hell, you even have the Chief and me. Why would you want to harm yourself?"

Meredith stayed head down, not able to look at Bailey.

"You know you're going to have to face this so you might as well start now."

Meredith sighed and lifted her head to look at Bailey.

"I… I just felt so… helpless and empty. I know that I'm lucky to have such a great family but… I can't help but feel…"

"Depressed?"

"Yeah you can say that. Then Derek and I broke up because I didn't want to marry him right away… and I just don't want to feel alone."

"So cutting yourself is the way to go?"

"I'm not defending what I did because I know it was wrong-"

"Damn right, also stupid and dangerous. Meredith what did you think you were doing? You could have accidentally cut an artery then what? "

"I'd be dead." She whispered.

"Is that what you want? You want to leave your family behind? You think leaving Derek alone without the love of his life a revenge for breaking you? No, he would die with you."

Meredith's eyes started tearing again.

"Stop. Please." Meredith pleaded in a whisper.

"Meredith, I'm only making you realize the consequences of your actions. You chose to do that to yourself so now you're paying the price."

"I know…"

"I know you know because you've been through this before."

Meredith was surprised. _How did she know?_

"What are you-"

"I know Grey. We ran a history on you. Age thirteen found in a bathtub with both of your wrists slit multiple times."

Meredith stayed silent and remembered that day.

"The Chief talked to us about that."

_The Chief he was there, in my room. I remember. Wow, it's been so long since I've thought about that._

"…He was on the verge of tears. Everyone was. Derek was already crying."

"I've…erased that day out of my memory. I never wanted to be back there ever again so I put a smile on my face and when on with life."

"But now…"

"Now it came back to take the rest of me. Being diagnosed with manic-depression was the worst time of my life. I don't want to go through it again. The therapy, the drugs, it's not worth it because nothing changes. "

"Well that's too bad Grey because you have a family in this hospital and man who'd be willing to do anything for you, fighting right by your side. So no Grey, you're not going to give up that easily."

Meredith thought for a moment.

"Thank you Dr. Bailey. I'll try not to give up."

"You're a fighter Grey, I know you won't give up. But there is something I advise you to do."

"What?"

"Let the stupid blue-eyed-moussed-hair neurosurgeon help you too. He's falling apart just like you."

"I can't do that to him Dr. Bailey. He deserves so much more"

"What, so you think you're doing him a favor by pushing him away?"

"Well, yeah. He can live his life without any complications. He'll be happier without me."

"Let me ask you this, do you think he'd be happy when the love of his life won't be part of his life?"

_Damn, why did Bailey have to be right all the time!?_

"Because I'm Dr. Bailey and I know everything." She said as if she read her mind.

Meredith looked at her and started to laugh.

"Thank you again… and for making me laugh."

"You deserve better too Grey, you're just too damn stupid to know that. I'll send that egotistical neurosurgeon here."

"Okay."

_What am I going to say to him? Does he hate me? What if he just leaves?_

"Say what's in your heart Grey. He can never hate you and he will never leave you."

"How did you-"

"I'm Dr. Bailey."

Meredith smiled as the great Dr. Bailey left her room.

* * *

I gave you some Meredith and Bailey bonding. I always liked them. And some Alex and Cristina, they'd be a great pair, both so driven but with a soft side. Derek talks to the Chief. I'll put Izzie, George and Lexie in the next update... if I remember. hehe. Review please. 


	10. Chapter 10

Title: Scalpels are my best friend.

Summary: After the disappointment of 4.11, Meredith can't take the heartache so she finds something else to do to feel relief.

Note: Thanks for such great reviews…again. I know I don't update often but I do it whenever I have free time. So don't give up on me.

I still don't own Grey's Anatomy but if I did I'd hire all of the fanfiction writers and create episodes from their stories!

* * *

"_I'm Dr. Bailey."_

_Meredith smiled as the great Dr. Bailey left her room._

After Dr. Bailey left the room she had run straight into none other than Derek Sheperd.

"Dr. Sheperd, it's nice to see you too but if you so much as run into me again-"

"Sorry, Miranda, I was kind of… distracted."

Miranda saw the broken man and knew she needed to talk to him.

"Follow me."

"Uhm…actually I was kind of hoping…to see Meredith."

Dr. Bailey did her signature stare.

_Oh crap. She's staring me down._

"Yeah, okay."

"That's what I thought."

They both walked into an empty conference room.

"Sit."

Derek obeyed. _I swear it's like I'm her personal dog. If only she didn't know how to scare the bejesus out of me… and then she had to go and teach Callie! That woman will be the death of me. What does she want anyway? I swear I haven't done anything wrong… She looks mad. She's going to yell at me. _

"Don't worry; I'm not going to yell at you."

Derek let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. _Oh thank God. Wait, how did she-_

"Do I need to explain to everyone that I am Dr. Bailey and I know about everyone and everything?"

"I guess not…"He chuckled but she can hear the sadness.

She let out a sigh.

"How are you Derek?"

"What… what do you mean? I'm fine."

As soon as she heard those words, she immediately got her staring face on.

"You know just as much as I do that ever since Grey used those two words and applied its new meaning that "I'm fine" usually means you're not."

"Yeah I guess you're right…"

"You guess?"

"Yeah, okay what's you're point." He said a little aggravated. _I can easily be sorting things out with Meredith right now._

"I won't keep you away from my intern; this'll just take a second."

"Okay…" Trying not to show her that he was freaked out by how she knew what he was thinking.

"I just want to tell you to… be careful…She's been through a lot… which is the understatement of the year but-"

"What? What do you mean be careful?" He asked defensively. _Why does everyone just assume that I'm going to hurt her?... _He thought about that thought while she gave him the stare.

_Right…Every time I was with her, I ended up hurting her. God, I'm so stupid._

"By that look on your face and the thoughts running under your overly moussed hair, you know exactly what I mean."

"I'm trying you know…The Chief already talked to me…I just…I want to make things right this time…and for good."

"Yes, I do… but I also know that there is an extremely fragile woman in that hospital room, whose heart, is shattered."

"Why would her heart be shattered this time? She broke up with me…well not technically because we weren't together but then this who situation happened and I said I'd be there for her-"

"Does you're rambling have a point?"

He paused, sighed then continued.

"She doesn't want me..." He smiled sadly.

"She said she's sorry that she ever met me."

"You know she didn't mean that right? I mean, you're a neurosurgeon. You can't be that stupid to see that she loves you."

"God, I hope you're right."

"Of course I am fool! I'm Dr. Bailey. Now go tell that woman she is not fine."

He got up and was on his way.

* * *

After the Chief told them to get their patients covered, they went straight to it. When they finished they decided to go buy supplies for their long stay in Meredith's room. So Izzie, George and Lexie were in charge of getting food that was non-crappy hospital food. Alex and Cristina went to go get extra beds.

They made their way to Meredith's room and found her sound asleep.

While she slept they tried to be quiet and hold their laughter as Meredith snored. It was hard to make less noise and wake her up but they surprisingly succeeded and got everything set up.

"Wow, this is like a slumber party." Lexie said.

"I know right? This would be fun if the situation wasn't more… serious." Izzie said with a hint of sadness.

"Okay people that is not the attitude we need right now. We have to make Meredith happy. And in order to do that, we have to be happy." Cristina exclaimed but in a whisper.

"I agree with Crackwhore. Let's try and make this situation… what did Meredith use to say?" Alex said.

"Bright and shiny." George answered.

"Right… Even though she is dark and twisty right now, we will help her through this. Tonight we will try and not bring that…" Cristina said pointing to her wrist.

"…up, and try to keep her spirits light."

"Wow…that sounds so weird coming from you. Almost like something I would say." Izzie said surprisingly.

"Okay, I have not gone soft. She's... she's just my person, so let's wake her up and start the bright and shiny."

"We can't just wake her up! She is resting!..." George said almost shouting. With his back turned from Meredith, he didn't see that he had woken her up. He was still ranting about not waking her up and Meredith just smiled at him.

"…She is in need of sleep, she is still a patient and us waking her up just so we can make her bright and shiny will not help. She'll probably be cranky-"

"Hey! I am never cranky!"

He turned around and saw her awake.

"Okay tell me that you guys woke her up while I was telling you guys not too…"

"Sorry Georgie that was all you. How are you Mer?" Alex said walking over to her bed.

"Ugh…does that answer you're question?"

"I'll take that as a no, but that answer will change very soon."

"What are you-" she stopped mid-question and looked at her surroundings.

_Grocery bags with food and beds? what is this a slumber party? Everyone's here... except Derek. _

By the confused look that turned sad, Cristina had an idea.

"Uh, Mere, I'll be right back…I forgot something…"She ran out of the room as quickly as possible.

"Okay, well I bet you're wondering why there are so many beds here and awesome non-crappy hospital food around you." Izzie said.

"Yeah, you can say that."

"Well, the Chief figured you needed you're family around you and since you can't go home…"

"The Chief is letting us stay in here with you." Lexie said finishing Izzie's sentence.

"Oh, that was the best part!"

"Calm down Barbie, we're here for Mere and that's the best part."

"You guys are… staying here?... In the hospital? Is that even legal?"

"Well…Being the Chief's surrogate daughter kind of helps so…screw the law."

"Wow, this…is…"Meredith was speechless. God knows she didn't need to be alone. She was even okay with the fact that Lexie was here.

"Yeah, so you hungry? We went and bought you food, all okay-ed but the Chief."

"Yes! Terribly, thank you."

Cristina was walking out of Meredith's room, going to page that blue-eyed neurosurgeon but didn't need too because there he was, walking back in forth right across from her room. He looked as if he was contemplating to go in or not.

"McDreamy!"

Derek was so focused on whether he would go in or not he didn't hear himself being called. _What the hell would I say? Will she reject me? Should I give her more time? Her friends are in there. What if they kick me out? Cristina will for sure kick me out.  
_

Cristina walked right up to him.

She cleared her throat. That got his attention.

"Yes, Dr. Yang, is there anything I can do for you?"

"You can do what you promised and fix her."

He sighed.

"I'm… working on it. She doesn't like me very much right now."

"How would you know? You're walking back and forth outside of her room."

"I was in there earlier. She kicked me out."

"Oh, what did you do?"

"Nothing I swear! I came in there and she was sleeping then I was talking and she kicked me out."

"What'd she say?"

"She…" Derek hated repeating what Meredith had said and yet it would be his third time saying them.

"…doesn't want me. She's sorry for ever meeting me and she doesn't love me."

"Okay, need I remind you of your role… You are a neurosurgeon. That's a doctor of the brain!"

"Yes, I am well aware of what I am."

"If you're so aware, why aren't you using yours?"

"What? Using my what?"

"Brain! How can you believe her when she says she doesn't love you? We can't even believe her when she says "I'm fine."

"Yeah, well then she's a good liar."

"So are you. Remember, I know a liar when I see one so don't get offended."

"I…I'm going to talk to her okay? I'm just waiting for a little more privacy."

"I'll take care of that now wait until you see us come out then you get in there!"

"What? Why so soon I mean… you guys can talk to her for a while…"

Cristina just stared at Derek like Dr. Bailey just did earlier.

_Oh great, now Cristina knows how too? _

"…Right, I'll just wait."

She nodded and made a stop by the nurses station then walked back to Meredith's room.

* * *

They were all in conversation, talking about patients then Cristina came back.

"Hey, where were you?"

"Uh, I just needed to ask Bailey something."

"Okay."

At that moment all their pagers beeped.

They all looked down at their pagers.

"It's Bailey." Alex said.

"Oh, we better go."

"Why were you paged, weren't you just with her?" Lexie asked Cristina.

They all looked at Cristina suspiciously.

"Okay, you guys aren't detectives so stop interrogating me and let's go before Bailey kills us."

They all hugged Meredith goodbye.

Lexie was last.

It was awkward but then Lexie just gave in and gave her a hug.

"I'm glad you're okay."

At first Meredith was shocked. Then realized how much her sister cared for her.

"Thank you. And thanks for caring."

They both let go and Lexie left the room and caught up with the others.

"So what's going on?"

"We needed to leave." Cristina said.

"Why?!" they screamed in union.

"Calm down! She needs a moment…with Derek."

"That son of a-"

"Alex, he's a good guy. He loves her and he can fix her." Izzie said.

"He's the one who made her like this."

"Exactly."

Alex knew she was right. So he just nodded his head.

* * *

When they left, her thoughts immediately went to Derek and the image of how heartbroken he looked.

_No, you're doing him a favor._ Then Bailey's voice came into her head_. "Let me ask you this, do you think he'd be happy when the love of his life won't be part of his life?"_

Just then a soft knock took her out of her trance.

"Come in." She thought it was just a nurse to check her stats or one of her friends, but she was so wrong.

The door opened and green eyes met blue.

* * *

There you have it. Keep the reviews coming, I enjoy them. Also if you have any ideas on what can happen next I will gladly take them as inspiration for my next update. 


	11. Chapter 11

Title: Scalpels are my best friend.

Summary: After the disappointment of 4.11, Meredith can't take the heartache so she finds something else to do to feel relief.

Note: Thanks for such great reviews! Here is the confrontation...I don't really like it but whatever its the best I can do for now.

I still don't own Grey's Anatomy but if I did I'd hire all of the fanfiction writers and create episodes from their stories!

* * *

_The door opened and then her eyes met blue._

She immediately bowed her head and shut her eyes.

"I told you not to-"

"Well that's too bad."

His voice was stern and almost as if he was certain.

"Why are you here Derek?"

"Why wouldn't I be here?"

"Because I told you that I didn't love you."

"Yeah well I know a liar when I see one because I'm a liar."

She lifted her head so she can meet his eyes. She was angry.

"Did you just call me a liar?!"

"Yes and you're a good one too. You almost had me before but I know better."

"What are you talking about?"

"You're little speech about not loving me and wishing you never met me… That was all a big lie. I should have known before but you're lying skills are better than I thought."

"Derek, have you lost your mind? Did someone hit you over the head? Or are you just in denial?"

"Oh, contraire, the only person in denial here is you."

Meredith just closed her eyes and shook her head from side to side.

"Okay, this is a nightmare. You are not in my room being a jackass while I am trying to recover. When I open my eyes you'll be gone."

She opened her eyes and he was gone. _Wow that actually worked._

Then she sighed and lay down. When she shifted her head, he was right beside her.

"What the hell!? I thought you left!?"

"I think you would have heard the door shut if I had left the room."

"Smartass." She mumbled under her breath.

"What was that?"

"Leave! Just get out!"

"I'll leave only if you give me a real reason to."

"Because!"

"Sorry, that's just not going to cut it. I guess you're stuck with me."

"I'll just wait till Cristina comes back, then we'll see who's all high and mighty."

"Actually, she's the one who got everyone out of here and then literally stared me down into talking to you."

Meredith's eyes went wide and she couldn't believe that Cristina, her person, would do that to her.

_Fine, if he's not leaving then I'll just ignore him._

Meredith looked straight ahead, sighed, laid back and closed her eyes.

_Oh, she wants to make this difficult. Fine, we'll have it her way._

"You can pretend to sleep all you want I'm still not leaving."

Meredith just laid there with her eyes closed as if he wasn't there.

"Okay, you rest and I'll talk…" he paused and checked to see if she budged. Nope, she was still pretending to sleep.

"… anyway, I heard what happened to you, when you were thirteen. I didn't know you back then but I'm just glad that you didn't succeed. I can actually say that I'm glad you didn't succeed in something." He chuckled.

"So, here we are again, broken up. And yet we always find our way back to each other."

Her eyes shot open and she rose up.

"No, we did not find each other. You are just stalking me and trying to break me again. I'm just trying to repair from the last break up."

"Right, is that what you call it?"

"What?"

He pointed to her wrist.

"That. Is that what you call "repairing"? Because if you do, you should find another way, try tequila again, at least that didn't almost kill you."

"Stop it! You don't get to care how I choose to repair what you broke!" Just then they both had a flashback from the first time she said that.

"_I never should have told you about George."_

"_No, I'm glad I know. You get around a lot. George, the vet, who's next? Alex, because I heard he likes to sleep around. You two have that in common." He turned around to leave but then Meredith grabbed his arm._

"_You don't get to call me a whore. When I met you, I thought I had met the person that I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I was done so all the boys and all the bars and all of the obvious daddy issues, who cares? Because I was done, you left me. You chose Addison, I do not make apologizes for how I chose to repair what you broke; you don't get to call me a whore. "_

"_This thing with us is finish. It's over."_

"_Finally."_

"_It's done."_

"_It is done." They both walked their separate ways._

"Funny, I think I just sensed a déjà vu." Her voice was cold.

"Meredith, I'm sorry for what I said that day, I had no right-"

"Like you how you don't now."

"No, actually I have a right to care because you're my Meredith. The most stubborn and most difficult person I've ever known but I love you. And I'm not going away just because you know how to lie through you're teeth. I'm staying whether you want me to or not because I can't see my life without you in it."

Meredith couldn't look at him. Throughout his whole speech, her eyes were everywhere but at him. _What do I say to that?_

"If you're just going to ignore what I just said well good luck because I'm going to be coming to you're room everyday, I wont have to say anything because I've said my piece but I'm just going to be here for you. You may not be sure but I am the only man for you Meredith Grey, you're just too stubborn to see that."

He came right up to her bed sat down and kissed her cheek. And she let him. _Oh God, I am not giving in. No, I, Meredith Grey will not give in to Derek Sheperd._

"Well, by you letting me kiss you without hitting me or screaming at me, I guess you heard what I said. I'll call your friends back in here."

He walked to the door and stopped turned around and said

"Bye Meredith Grey, you'll see me soon."

Then he turned around and left.

She let out a breath and her eyes started tearing up.

_Wow. Damn him for being so goddamn McDreamy! I will not cry over him. No, I wont let myself. I will not give him the advantage. I do not love him. I don't, he will not come back in this room._

* * *

When he left the room and ran straight into an on-call room.

_Wow, the adrenaline is still going through me. I cant believe I just did that. I love her so much. She heard me, I know she did.  
_

* * *

Cristina saw Derek left so it was their turn to go in.

Everyone made their way in the room but Cristina made sure she was last.

"Hey Mere, you okay?" George asked.

"Uh, yeah, where's Cristina?"

"She's right here." Cristina answered.

"Can I talk to you for a minute?"

"Uh, sure what's up?" she said making sure there was distance.

"Come here I just have to ask you something."

"Go right ahead, I'll just stand here beside Alex and Izzie."

"What's going on?" Lexie asked confused by Cristina's fear and the weird look on Meredith's face.

"I'm going to kick Cristina's ass that's what's going on!" Meredith exclaimed trying to get up from her bed.

"Oh no you don't! You stay in that bed and explain why you want to kick her ass." Izzie demanded and pushed her back into bed.

By now Cristina was hiding behind Alex.

"I think we need to sedate her. She's obviously overreacting."

"Don't you dare sedate me! As soon as I get out of this hospital bed my one and only ambition will be to kick your ass Cristina Yang!"

"What I didn't do anything! I don't know what you're talking about!"

"Oh really, than why at the exact moment you leave Mc-freaking-Dreamy came into my room?"

"Coincidence?"

"You told him to talk to me?"

"No, he was already going too I just gave him a nudge."

"He said you stared him into coming in here."

"Yeah, well… He was coming in here anyway!"

"You're my person, you don't help my ex you help me!"

Izzie pushed her way into the conversation.

"Mere, just give him a chance."

"Not you too! Come on! Do I have anyone on my side?"

"I am that guy doesn't deserve your forgiveness." Alex said.

"Thank you Alex." Meredith's eyes shifted to George and Lexie, waiting for them to say something.

"Uhm, I'm… neutral?" George said.

"Fine…" She looked at Lexie.

"Well, when he talked to me he sounded pretty certain at what he wants with you and it was really-"

"McDreamy like?"

"Yeah, sorry, he just got to me first."

"That's okay; I understand the affect of his stupid McDreamy speeches. Trust me."

"What did he say?" Cristina asked.

"Oh no, you don't get to know! You can ask him yourself." She scolded and folded her arms.

"Oh come on Mere, you can't be mad at me now, maybe later but not now."

She looked at her for a second and almost forgot her situation.

"Yeah, I guess you're right."

"So what McDreamy speech did he give you this time?" Izzie asked.

"A speech most woman would love to hear. Including phrases like I'm here for you, I love you and I'm the only man for you. Then he gave me a kiss."

"You kissed him?!" All the woman exclaimed.

"No! He came up to me and kissed my cheek."

"Aw, he's so-" Izzie was cut off by Meredith.

"No, don't say it! If you say it I'm going to be thinking it and I don't want to be thinking of him now. I'm exhausted from his last speech so spare me."

"Thank God, because this conversation is getting way too gay and full of estrogen." Alex said.

"Yeah, please I do not want to accidentally call my attending Dr. McDreamy." George responded.

All the girls looked at the two guys and started laughing.

"Thanks guys! I really needed that." Meredith said smiling.

* * *

So there it is. I didn't really like this chapter but review anyway. Thanks for reading. 


	12. Chapter 12

Title: Scalpels are my best friend.

Summary: After the disappointment of 4.11, Meredith can't take the heartache so she finds something else to do to feel relief.

Note: Sorry a million times! I have not been updating I know but my internet was not working which made it impossible to live like really hard I almost went crazy! I've been watching my grey's dvd's and re-runs but I still was missing my fanfic fix. Okay enough ramble. Enjoy this update.

I still don't own Grey's Anatomy but if I did I'd hire all of the fanfiction writers and create episodes from their stories!

* * *

"_Thank God, because this conversation is getting way too gay and full of estrogen." Alex said._

"_Yeah, please I do not want to accidentally call my attending Dr. McDreamy." George responded._

_All the girls looked at the two guys and started laughing._

"_Thanks guys! I really needed that." Meredith said smiling._

I hate therapists. Psyche is crap. Therapy is crap. Everything is crap. Okay, maybe I'm being a little overdramatic but I hate therapy. Didn't like it when I was younger and I hate it even more now. Same therapist who thinks he knows everything. "Meredith, you're avoiding things you shouldn't be avoiding." Okay Doc, tell me something I don't already know! My friends barely lasted two nights staying away from surgery so I gave them my word that I wouldn't attempt anything so they can leave. Derek's been here. Everyday, he sits right beside my bed. I'd ignore him. Sometimes he'd talk about surgeries and I'd still ignore him. Sometimes he just sat beside me watching me.

It was Thursday night when Derek came into my room and sat at his usual spot. I, on the other hand did my best to ignore him like always.

"You're ready to be discharged." He says.

I can't help but look up at him to see if he was being serious but then turned away.

"Did you hear me?"

I continued to look down.

"Okay, I'll take that as a "yes Derek I heard you". Anyway I'll give you the discharge papers tomorrow and bring you home."

"Over my dead body."

The first thing I say to him in over a week and I tell him over my dead body. Wow that's nice.

"Ah, you finally found your tongue."

"You are not taking me home Derek."

"Why not? It's not like anyone else can take you, all your friends have work."

"So do you, I don't see why they can't take 10 minutes to take me home. So no Derek you are not taking me home."

"Actually they can't because they all have back-to-back surgeries the time you're being discharged."

"How is that possible?"

"Well, being an attending and knowing the Chief kind of helps.'

"You set this up?!"

"Not so much as a set up… kind of like a bribe. Actually all I had to say was back-to-back surgeries and they accepted. I didn't even need to use my… what do you guys call it? McDreamy charm? "

Meredith turned red with embarrassment. "Not the point!"

"Yeah but its flattering."

"Great something to feed you're ego. Not that it needs it."

"Ow, ouch. Now I think I need more ego feeding since you just hurt my feelings."

"Shut up. Stop changing the subject!"

"Hey you brought it up."

"Seriously Derek, you are not bringing me home and that's final."

"Unless you want to walk then yes I am bringing you home."

"Better than being with you." She said under her breath but he heard her and was hurt.

Derek was fed up. She hasn't talked to him in over a week and the one time she actually talks to him, she's being cruel.

"That's Enough! I've had it Meredith! I come here everyday and you ignore me! You actually talk to me and you're acting like this!"

"Like what Derek?!"

"Like-"

"Betrayed?! Heart broken?! If so then I guess you're not so stupid after all."

"Oh don't give me that! We were not together! You wanted S&M, I gave that to you. You wanted me to stop seeing other people, I show you house plans and you freak out!"

"No actually. I tell you I don't want you to see other people and I hear you kissed a nurse from George! Not you, George!"

"That kiss didn't matter!"

"It did to me."

"What do you want Meredith? I apologized and apologized. What more do you want?"

"I didn't ask you too. I told you to leave. I told you that I never wanted to see you again but no, you come here everyday. I told you what I wanted. You just don't listen."

"You don't want that. If you really did want me to leave then you would of told me everyday since I've been coming here. You're just afraid and I'm fed up."

"If you're so fed up then why are you still here?"

"I'm gone." With that he got up and left.

* * *

Meredith sat on her bed and started to cry.

Outside her door, Derek was leaning, not caring that people were watching and was crying.

_Why does she always bring the worst out of me? I love her so much why can't she just let me? _

At the exact same time Meredith was thinking.

_Why do I always bring the worst out of him? I love him so much why can't I just let him?_

* * *

Derek stood outside for a while. Then mustered all his courage and knocked on the door.

A couple minutes later Meredith was calm and stopped crying but can still see the tears on her face. Suddenly she heard a knock. _Maybe it's my friends or a nurse._

"Come in."

Meredith was laid back with her eyes closed so she didn't see who came in.

Derek walked in and sat on the side of the bed.

It had been almost thirty seconds and Meredith's eyes were still closed, she almost forgot someone came into the room. But felt someone else was in the room and opened her eyes.

Derek was trying to figure out what to say. He was just watching Meredith. Suddenly she sat up and opened her eyes.

Meredith saw Derek's surprised expression and almost felt the sides of her mouth widen but then remembered she was mad at him. So she just laid back down and closed her eyes.

"I'm sorry." Derek spoke first.

"I don't care." _Okay harsh but I'm really mad. I am going into instant Cristina mode on his ass._

"Don't be like that Mere."

"Whatever."

"Fine."

There was an awkward silence. It was weird. They never had awkward silences. Even when Meredith was ignoring Derek it didn't feel awkward. It was almost comforting.

Derek gave up. _I am not talking to her when she's like this._ He stood up and was just about to leave but stopped and said "I'll come by around 10 to bring you home."

"No."

"Meredith, be realistic, there's no one else who can take you."

"I don't care. I am not going with you."

"I'll come by around 10. Bye Meredith."

He left the room.

_I need a plan. How am I going to get home? I cannot ride with Derek._

* * *

About five minutes passed and she came up with an idea.

_It may be the stupidest thing ever but its that or Derek._

She pressed the button that contacts the nurse.

"Yes Ms. Grey"

"Yeah, can you page Nurse Rose for me please?"

"Of course."

_God this is a stupid plan! She's obviously going to say no. I mean who in the world would want to bring their boyfriend's ex-girlfriend home?_

There was a knock at the door.

"Come in."

Rose came into the room and looked panicked.

"Meredith, what's wrong? What happened? Are you okay?"

"Oh yeah Rose everything's fine. I just need to ask you for a favour."

"Oh, I thought something happened. Okay what's up?"

"I was wondering if you're not busy tomorrow if you know… if you can… uhm…you don't have to if you don't want too…"

"Okay Meredith you're rambling. Are you trying to ask me out?" Rose said trying to lighten the mood which just made Meredith more nervous.

"Oh my god No! No offence you're very pretty but no. I am not gay. I like men. Actually I like men a lot just not enough to love them-"

"Don't worry Meredith I was just kidding. I was just trying to make you comfortable but that just made you ramble even more. "

"Okay, well if you're not busy can you give me a ride tomorrow?"

"Yeah sure."

"Seriously? You actually said yes to the ex-girlfriend of you're ex-boyfriend who ruined him for every other woman?"

"Yes and you did not ruin him. He's just taken."

"Well thank you. I really appreciate it."

"No problem. What time do you need me to take you home?"

"Around ten thirty in the morning."

"Oh great, I don't have to be here 'till 12."

"Okay great. Thanks again."

"You're welcome. Well, I got to get back to work."

"Okay, bye Rose."

"Bye Meredith."

* * *

It was around night and the hustle and bustle of the hospital was dying down.

Meredith was sitting in her bed watching crappy hospital t.v when all her friends came into her room.

"Hey Mer!"

"Hi Meredith"

"Hey!"

Meredith just looked at them with a blank stare.

Alex, Izzie, Cristina, George and Lexie all looked at each other wondering what they did.

"What did you do?"

"I didn't do anything."

"Wasn't me."

"Okay Mer, you're gonna have to help us out here. Did any of us do anything specific?"

"Guess what?"

"What?" They said together and chuckled.

"I'm being discharged tomorrow."

Their eyes went wide but quickly went back to their normal expressions. But Meredith saw.

"That's so great Mer!"

"That's awesome!"

Meredith heard them all complimenting her but she knew they all already knew.

"You all already knew."

"What are you talking about? We didn't… know." Izzie said hesitantly.

"Really? So Derek didn't promise all of you back-to-back surgeries during the time of my discharge so none of you can take me home?"

"No."

"Not at all."

"No…No…no"

Meredith watched Izzie, George and Cristina stumble on their words. Lexie stayed quiet and looked around the room and Alex was waiting for everyone else to shut up.

"Yeah, Sheperd promised all of us back-to-back surgeries so he can bring you home."

George, Cristina and Izzie looked at Alex like they were going to kill him.

"Well, at least you were honest. But you guys, my person? Come on!"

"Sorry but he promised us not to tell. He was so McDreamy about it!" Izzie tried.

"He said he didn't even use his McDreamy charm on you. All he said was back-to-back surgeries and you accepted."

"Oh, he told you that. McBastard."

"Yeah he kinda did. Anyway, I got a ride."

"McDreamy's not taking you?"

"Yeah right."

"…Rose is." She whispered.

All their eyes grew big.

"WHAT?"

"Rose is taking me." She said quickly.

"Rose?! As in McDreamy's slutty scrub nurse?!" Cristina screamed.

"Can you be quiet? Rose isn't that bad, actually she's nice."

"Whatever, it's your funeral." Cristina said and immediately regretted.

Everyone's eyes shifted toward Cristina and couldn't believe what she just said.

Meredith winced.

"Oh, Meredith I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that." Cristina was mentally kick herself.

"No, it's okay. It's not your fault I almost died."

Everyone felt awkward at that moment.

"Sorry for being so morbid. Anyway what's going on in the hospital? Any interesting sugeries?"

They continued their night with hospital talk.

* * *

The next morning, Meredith got up early, got all her stuff ready and waited for her discharge papers.

At exactly 10am Derek came into the room and dropped the discharged papers on the table and left. He didn't say good morning or even glance at her.

"Well, good morning to you too." She said to herself and rolled her eyes.

25 minutes later, Meredith had finished her discharge papers and Derek came back into the room and sat down on the same chair he had been in for over a week.

Meredith stood up from her bed and looked outside the door, looking for Rose.

"What are you doing?"

"Oh, you speak." She said sarcastically.

"Okay, I deserved that. I'll just shut up now and wait 'till I have to take you home."

"That's what you think." She said still looking outside her door.

"What's that suppose to mean?"

Meredith stayed at her place and didn't answer instead gasp and opened the door.

"Rose! Hey!"

"Hi Meredith you ready to go?"

"Yeah, I just need to get my stuff."

Derek sat their dumbfounded but sprung into action when Meredith came into the room, he went out and closed the door.

Meredith turned around and saw the back of Derek's head with the door closed.

_Oh no, he's going to take me ride away! Crap!_

She ran to the door but it wouldn't open because Derek was holding the handle so it would lock close.

Outside the room, Meredith could see Derek talking to Rose. Rose looked up at Meredith and gave her an apologetic look. _Crap. I just lost my ride._ Rose walked away and Derek opened the door.

"What the hell!? I needed-" Before she can finish her sentence Derek was grabbing her bag and walked out.

_Okay, what the hell just happened?_

Derek came back into the room with a wheelchair.

"Hell no. I am not going out in a wheel chair."

Derek sighed, dropped the bag, walked over to Meredith and carried her into the chair kicking and screaming.

"Derek Sheperd! Put me down!"

Derek dropped her into the wheelchair and wheeled her out of the hospital room. Everyone was watching Derek push Meredith throughout the hospital. Meredith kept trying to get up but Derek kept pushing her back down. They reached the elevator and Meredith stayed silent.

On their way out, they went to see the Chief.

"Hey Chief, I'm leaving now. Just wanted to stop by."

"That's great but Meredith I want you to have one more session before you leave."

"Chief, I don't-"

"Meredith it's either now or during your time back for a whole month."

"Fine."

Derek just stood in the office not knowing what to do.

"Derek you can go with her. Her therapist has wanted to talk to you."

"No, he would not. Plus he wouldn't want-"

"Sure, let's go."

They were walking out and Meredith gave the Chief the dirtiest look.

"Thanks a lot Chief."

He just shrugged his shoulders and waved goodbye.

* * *

Therapy was terrible. They talked about absolutely everything Meredith had been avoiding. They said their good-bye's and Meredith ran out of the room trying to hold back her tears with Derek behind her.

They reached the car and as soon as Derek started the car The Clash music played.

Derek could hear Meredith holding back sobs the whole ride to Meredith's house.

Once they reached her house, she didn't wait for Derek to open the door for her or say anything, she was already out of the car running to the door. Derek wasn't far behind.

Meredith was looking in her purse for her keys and couldn't find them.

Derek walked slowly up her door, holding her house keys.

"How…did you…get those?" she said with her breath shaking.

Derek looked at her sadly.

"I took them from your purse."

"Okay, you had your fun today, hearing me say all the things I couldn't say to you, can you please give me a break and give me back my keys?"

"I'll open your door."

Derek opened the door and Meredith ran straight up the stairs into her bedroom.

Meredith was exhausted. She was breaking down. It felt like she was dying slowly and painfully.

Derek sighed and walked up the stairs.

He could hear her crying.

He knocked on her bedroom door.

No answer.

He opened the door and Meredith wasn't there.

He saw the bathroom light under the door.

He opened the door and saw Meredith sitting on the edge of her tub, holding a scalpel and a bottle of pills.

She looked up and put her hands behind her back.

"What do you want Derek?"

That was the last straw. Derek walked up to Meredith and grabbed the items behind her back and she put her head down.

Derek poured all the pills down her toilet.

"No Derek I-"

He turned his head away from the toilet and gave her a look saying back off so she closed her mouth.

He flushed the toilet and sat across from Meredith on the floor against the door.

He was still holding the scalpel.

"I don't get it Mere."

"What?"

Before Meredith knew what was happening, Derek had slid the scalpel across his wrist.

"Derek!"

He just watched the blood stream down into his sleeve.

Meredith found her medicine kit and ran to Derek but he just grabbed the kit and got up to throw the scalpel into the toilet.

She felt terrible. It was like someone was tearing her heart apart.

"That feeling you have right now, it'll get worse."

She just stayed silent afraid to talk.

Derek was wrapping his wrist while talking.

"I felt what you were feeling but mine was worse. The first time, when I heard your hand was on the bomb, I think that's the feeling you feel right, like someone's just tearing your heart apart but every time it got worse."

"…The second time was when the little girl showed me where you were, in the Elliot Bay."

"Stop." She whispered.

"I actually dove into the Elliot Bay and swam until I found you. When I did you were so blue, so cold. There I felt like I was drowning with you."

"Please."

"Then when I saw you get hit by the truck. I swear I could feel about a thousand trucks rolling over my heart."

"Please stop."

"Now, seeing you hold the scalpel and a bottle of pills. I feel like killing myself just to be with you."

"Stop!"

"No, you think you feel bad now!? Think about how I felt when I had to see you die so many times. I'm exhausted Meredith. I just want… I want you to be alright."

"How? How can I ever be alright when I'm not with you?"

"Is that what you want? Then stop pushing me away. Let me love you and love yourself. I need you to be okay Meredith or else I can't live. I'm drowning here. I just feel like you're slipping away from me and I just… I can't."

"I'm sorry, please just… I can't either. Without you I'm just alone. Even with my friends, they can't replace you. I… I love you."

Derek lifted Meredith off the floor and held her tight.

"I love you too. I love you so much."

* * *


End file.
